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Fear is A Choice

Have you ever been served a curve ball at the most inappropriate time...?

My most recent curve ball was served up just before Tash and I headed off on our amazing ‘Horses for Courses’ - 1,000kms Ride for Bush Kids from home at ‘Suplejack Dns’ to Darwin...just 10 days before embarking on our grand adventure I was diagnosed with Epilepsy! Yep...that’s right...Epilepsy!

When you’re sitting in the Specialist’s Room and he’s running through his diagnosis, explaining you have epilepsy, it kinda feels serial! To be honest, I had to remind myself that he is the professional and I’m not! A bit like one of those moments where, in denial, you don’t feel as if it’s you getting the news! I’m pretty intune with my body and yes there has been some weird stuff going on...but I’m not yet convinced it fit’s!

I’d been through the wringer the weeks prior with Cardiologists and Neurologists trying to work out what my ‘non-specific episodes’ were being caused from...they weren’t sure if it was neurological or cardio, so I underwent a number of tests: CAT Scans, MRI’s, ECG’s, Halter Monitors, Heart Scans, Ultrasounds, tests I can’t even remember the names of...they were very thorough! (Let it be said I am extremely grateful for the incredible attention I received and continue to receive with testing in the effort to find a solution for my symptoms)

Back in the neurologists room, I swallowed hard as I listened to him explain about two shadows which has shown up on the MRI test. I tried to focus on the implications as he told me he was intending to start me on medication which would most likely render my driver licence invalid...OMG...what would I do without my truck licence...and not to mention I’m supposed to be in the saddle, riding my horse across the Northern Territory in less than 2 weeks time...Do I tell him? NOPE! Actually I didn’t tell anyone apart from my family! I didn’t want anyone to worry about something which wasn’t yet set in stone! So then and there I convinced him that we should wait until my next lot of tests which would tell for sure if there was a problem.

This week I go in for another round of tests...another MRI to check on the ‘Shadows’ to ensure they aren’t changing is size or shape and an electroencephalogram (EEG) which is a test that measures and records the electrical activity of the brain. An EEG is the most useful and important test for checking if someone has epilepsy. After this next round of tests I will know for sure if my gut instincts are correct or if indeed I’m dealing with something else. Either way I know my body and I know when things aren’t quite feeling right. I would never put myself or others at risk. I’ve been proactive and I’m taking responsibility, I know that early diagnosis is always here I am!

In saying all this, I have to reiterate there’s never a better time to remember that we shouldn’t let fear and the ‘what if’s’ get in the way of our passion. We can make excuses on a daily basis as to why we ‘can’t do something’ and you know what, some of the time those excuses do have substance, but that doesn’t mean we should allow them to stop us from following our hearts and doing the things we work so hard towards. Don’t let fear stand in your way. After all Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But Fear is a choice! ~ Will Smith.

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